why can’t people let people being people why can’t i get sad and dramatic without caring how it’s going to come across, why can’t i let it show freely without everyone freaking out, do people think it’s valid to express anger as an indication of self-respect and just don’t fucking get the fact that quite often you fucking feel angry but deep down all you feel more than anger itself is just this ache which is showing in your eyes and you have no option but release that feeling and break down and cry in front of them like what the actual fuck does that mean you’ve no self-respect? because you’re staying true to the emotion of the moment? because you’re not being a pretentious asshole? why do i have to let people have it out on me and look at me coldly and with no feeling while i’m just expressing the only thing that’s possible for me to express? the fact that i suppress my anger because the emotion of genuine pain takes over each and every fucking time i feel that i’m driving people away for no good reason doesn’t mean i’ve no self-respect like what the fuck? it means i just can’t conceal my ways and i can’t lie to myself and consequently to others. it means i’m a person who’s standing before another person and all i can do in that moment is listen and surrender to what i feel precisely during that very moment. and there’s some bloody honesty in that but no, it obviously gets mistaken for weakness. what do you actually do? what do you actually do when you truly want with all your heart to communicate your real thoughts and feelings to people you care about and still you feel that they’ve pre-judged your ways in an outrageous degree or something? it’s like you’re waiting for the fucking jury to announce some bloody decision you already know about and you’re standing there knowing that none of what you actually be saying will make any difference because it just won’t. damn it like what the fuck. and what if my “i love you” gets in the way of any possible expression of any sense of “anger” — now where does that leave me? forever unable to let others in for real i guess. and i don’t blame anyone for that. but the thing is, i occasionally need to feel that i’m not going to be judged for every single thing i say. i need to fucking breathe without feeling that i need to be giving any explanations. i need to fucking relax and breathe and look at them and quit being miserable and pathetic. what drives me insane is i know that they know me. they do. plus i know that they trust me. and i trust them as well. so why? sometimes all i freaking need is people to start acting like people and not as robots with a head but no heart
my dad is the perfect example of someone who doesn’t get my way of thinking but still all his warmth and understanding never feels pretentious; he loves. he loves, the man just knows how to love and it’s in the little ways; i’d never trust him with anything personal but i passionately adore us communicating, being, experiencing different stuff together, living, call it whatever you might call it; it’s certainly not a mind connection and it’s not a spiritual thing either: it’s just two hearts trying to articulate what most of the time fails to be articulated but at the same time trusting each other on another level. i’m not sure whether the word “trust” is the one i’d like to use here but it’s definitely a very private feeling i have toward him: that of boundless intimacy. and i love him okay, i love him even if he doesn’t know what i’m talking about, i love him just for being him — a child at heart, restless, self-critical, affectionate in the most meaningful way, funny, perceptive, uncompromising, at times stubborn as fuck — i love him. he’s currently sleeping in my room and i know that he’ll be leaving tomorrow (had come to pay me a visit) & i’m thinking that tomorrow the door shall close and even though i’ll certainly be glad to regain my privacy i’ll still get to feel pretty melancholic and it’s a presentiment i mean i know but i still know that i am going to feel it and idk fuck it i love him. he matters to me, i wish he knows that. i could feel him these days being overfilled with anxiety because i never seem to open up to him and i was like “but i do open up to you and you know it it’s just that it happens in our way i thought you were loving this exactly the way i am/was loving it too” and he went like “yes it still feels like you’ve never confessed anything deeply personal to me though” and man, i felt bad. i explained that it doesn’t have to feel like a confession and that this is in his head and he’s doing this to himself in vain because deep down he knows that out of my entire family he is the one i love with my soul but at the same time i could read the agony in his eyes and sigh. anyway, that’s all to say i’m going to miss the bastard i guess
13/4/14: is it something to do with my sense of trust?
Anonymous asked: define music
"alice in the cities" dir. by wim wenders: i feel complelled to say that this is one of the most exquisite pieces of cinema i’ve ever seen in my entire life
"april is the cruellest month": i’ve been thinking about this Eliot line a lot and i think it sort of resonates with me so much, especially the choice of the word; cruellest — it’s very much on the mark i believe, such a powerful word, so clear-cut and solid and there’s this sense of finality, i don’t know why i keep coming back to it, i think that if it was any other month included in that line instead of april it’d have a very similar effect on me, i guess the validity of it doesn’t depend upon the subject matter imo it truly depends upon the feeling of utter dominance “cruelty” sustains as a word; its profound sharpness and significance. It somehow ceases to feel like something merely readable which is coherent enough in order to “makes sense”; it attains a life of its own and perhaps a deeply concrete meaning — the clarity of it is distinctive and exact; actually it strikes me as a disturbingly beautiful word choice and it fits the present tense so much it’s just like it belongs in the very moment whether or not it applies to the reader’s possible sentiments or the degree of relatability i mean after all it’s a line but it feels like i’m gazing its entire transcendence into forming a small part of eternal lucidity; it becomes whole, it is whole and i don’t know if april is indeed the cruellest month but somehow Elliot’s made it convincing beyond any further questioning and hence the tremendous quality of this line
The Rumblr’s in-house astrologer, Madame Clairevoyant, presents her latest dispatch from the stars:
Pisces: Even if you feel like a mess this week, or like the ground you walk on is not totally steady, even if the days stretch out all strange and uneven, this is a week for taking care of people you care about. It’s a week for generosity, even when you feel a little wobbly, even if you don’t feel quite solid, even if the sky gets dark. Try to be kind to everyone you know, even yourself. Call the people who have loved you the longest. Bake bread. Listen to quiet songs that remind you who you are.
i saw lady di in my sleep
beauty: with what complete and utter effortlessness can one sole punctuation mark change the entire meaning
October’s my favorite month